5 Unexplainable Things That Give Me The Ick

am I the problem?

“Icks” are difficult to understand; they aren’t as serious or pronounced as red flags but you just have them. With red flags, you know why you have them, why you think it’s a big deal but with icks most times you don’t even know why they exist or why you have them, you just realize they put you off.

About a month ago, I was watching this Youtube video from this girl that I’m in love with from across the globe and even though she’s ignorant of my existence, I know it in my heart that she senses she’s in love with me too. We’ll call her Bethany.

So in this particular video oh, Bethany was saying all the things she likes in a guy.

“I like smart guys” — Cool, I think I classify as smart. Lotoni 1…my enemies trying to stop this match made in heaven 0.

“Obviously he has to be good looking” — I stood up, went to check the mirror, came back and recorded; Lotoni 2…the imaginary people trying to put asunder to what God has not joined together 0.

“Oh, I like funny guys too. I have a beautiful laugh, can’t let it go to waste” —I open Google and type in 'funny meaning', causing laughter or amusement; I make myself laugh all the time. Lotoni 3…my mother that said I must marry a Yoruba girl 0.

So I’m up 3-0 and I’m ecstatic. The flames of my delusions are being fanned.

As you have probably guessed my bubbles were about to be burst hard. Unprovoked o, one of her friends decided to open her big mouth and went, “What’s a really big ick for you though?”. One day I’ll talk about how much I do not like female friend groups. Friendship duos or trios, I fully support but you see friend groups, they are the major hindrance in my quest for romance.

Anyways, back to Bethany and the weapon fashioned against me disguising as her friend.

“SO, what’s a really big for you though?”

“OMG, guys that dance make me cringe so bad” laughs a beat “like I know men can dance or whatever they want but I just can’t stand it, except it’s professional dancing or breakdancing or you actually got some of them really cool moves of course, but like just guys who can’t actually dance but dance regardless or guys that whine their waist or that type of shit…I just can’t look at it”.

Kaiiiii, it felt like I was on the streets with a thousand other people then a robotic voice went ‘target acquired’ and next second I had a bullet precisely in the middle of my skull. Just so you know, this is me in church, in my room, in the shower, in really slow queues¹ and if I’m having a good day, on the streets too:

Well I guess Bethany is never going to happen now but one thing about heartbreak is that it produces good content (ask Olivia Rodrigo) so it got me thinking “How about you, what’s a really big ick for you?”. Seeing as the stress of school is not enough for me, I spent the last month taking note of things that makes people less attractive to me (call it healing) and this is what I came up with:

BAD HANDWRITINGS

This might be the funniest one for me because it is probably stereotypical, might be subtly sexist and DEFINITELY hypocritical but imma just come out and say it: Female handwritings are meant to be fine.

Does that mean guys shouldn’t have fine handwritings? We definitely should. But growing up, girls have always had the prettiest handwritings (if you’re triggered I’m genuinely sorry but this data is based on extensive research✋🏾).

In fact, everyone knows girls generally have better handwritings than guys. If you’re triggered your handwriting probably sucks (I’m still sorry though).

Bad handwritings give me a big ick. When I say bad, I don’t mean not fine, I mean ugly. Let me clarify, your handwriting can just merely exist, it’s not aesthetically pleasing to look at but it’s legible, what that does to the attraction sensors of my brain is still in contention but handwritings that are actually bad: Nope, I just can’t deal.

Am I an hypocrite? Here’s my handwriting:

PEN & STRAW DEVOURERS

There’s chewing and then there’s devouring. Chewing is bad, devouring is just intolerable. I’m convinced pen & straw devourers have destructive violent tendencies. It starts with destroying perfectly cylindrical straws, soon you’re suffocating your husband to death in your sleep. Unfortunately, that’s not how I would like to go.

But seriously, why will you this nowww?😭😭

FLUENT PIDGIN SPEAKERS

Why is your pidgin fluent? Like why?

January 15, 2033.

I step into the house at 9pm after a very long day at work. I’m greeted with an hug and a kiss as always from Damilola, the love of my life and soon-to-be mother of my children.

‘‘How was work?”, she asks me.

“Stressful. Give me a minute, let me go change and freshen up”

I walks upstairs, take a quick bath and change into something more comfortable then go back to join her downstairs. I settle than on my usual spot on the couch with Damilola sitted across from me, her eyes fixed on this show she’s been obsessed with recently.

“So, how was your day?”, I ask her, readjusting myself. Palm on chin, elbow on my thigh, smile on face, my usual posture when she begins to tell me all the details of her day, a routine we’ve settled into and I’ve come to always look forward to.

“Ahhhh, oko mi, you no go believe wetin my eye see today. You see that my friend wey they always come collect money, naso he tell me say—”

NO NO NO NO NO. Cut the clip, cut the clip. Hell no. Pleaseeeeeeeeee, I can’t even fathom it.

FOUR INDOMIE EATERS

As much as I think people that only eat just two spoons of rice and say that you are filled or can’t finish four hundred naira bread need to get themselves checked out but what do you mean you can finish four indomies?

Four. Merin. F-O-U-R four. Hmm, I won’t say more than that.

PLANTAIN CRITICS

There is absolutely no reason under the heavens why you shouldn’t like plantains. It’s really that simple.

I don’t know why anyone would be friends with a plantain hater. Date them? Lord forbid.

WOE TO HE WHO IS IN LOVE WITH A PLANTAIN HATER. WOEEE!!!

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It is important to note that this is just me. I’m the problem. Someone somewhere probably has a thing for bad handwritings/pen & straw devourers/fluent pidgin speakers/ four indomie eaters/plantain critics.

In the meantime if you don’t have a thing against obnoxious dancers, call meeeeeeeee!

I remain Oluwalotoni and you remain someone who likes, comments, shares and subscribes if they haven’t. Stay blessed. Happy Sunday.

1. I practically just start moving my body every time I get restless. I get restless quite a lot.